Missing MIL

I feel so low and lost today. Infact quite weepy and not myself. I lost the most amaizing person in my life, who taught me how to be me and how to be a true artist. My MIL [Pat Young]. Died from cancer a couple of years ago and I feel lost without her. Sometimes I wish I was with her and then I wouldnt feel like this anymore. I watched her die a horrible death and all I wanted to say to her was thank you and I love you. But I never got the chance to.
I think this is why I am the way I am with people. I dont mean to be, but I cannot let anyone ever get close to me again. I have a special friend I talk to online and she seems to be in the same boat as me, full of sadness and trying so hard to find that happiness again, that she once felt.
I say what I think and to be honest I have got past the point of caring.
I was badly bullied as a child, work hasnt been an easy ride and I love my husband so much, sometimes I feel like he doesnt love me back. Yes I am deffensive and can be offensive towards people. I do see when people are clearly having a go. SO why should I sit back, like I used to. I used to think that this was normal so I let it all happen to me. I am fragile, I have mental health problems and sadly yes they do cloud my judement of other people. But most of the time I am friendly, outgoing and trying so hard to be normal in an abnormal world. It isnt the Trueman Show which I am sure many people think it is or a soap. Hence I dont watch soaps. Take me as I am a person or just dont talk to me and move on.
Some friendships are never meant to be. I have learnt this the hard way. Hence the barriers go up and I go on the attack. I wish people would stop pretending they know me when they dont that annoys the hell out of me. So let me live my life and if I make a mistake leave it. Dont publish the fact on the world wide Web for all to see, that causes more harm than good. It makes a person want to top themselves. Okay not maybe everyone, but people who have mental conditions. So think and I will think also. Thank you and have a jolly nice day.

Feeling back to my old self.

After yesterdays debarcle, I started today like a new clean sheet. I decided to call my CPN who is great and told her the story. And how other people reacted. She was disgusted by these people and said she would come and see me tomorrow. She mentioned you could have them for slander. I wish I knew how, but I dont :((. Still it is nice to have a support like that. I have been with her for 10 years and she knows me really well. She has been my rock and we have ended up good friends.
It hard to explain to people that you have problems with your mental health and I have since the age of 17. So I have had to live with it for a very long time and some days are better than others. I have really bad mood swings, I can go from uber happy to uber manic and I dont have any control over it. The medication partly helps, but I am learing to cope with it even more. As I a get older I have been told I will get worse not better. Which scares me. I have fab doctors, who listen to me and help me as much as they can. See if you tell people you have mental health problems they look at you as some sort of freak show and that really bugs me. I am a normal person I live a normal a life as possible. I have a family and a home that I am really proud of and they are my support network. And I wouldnt swop them for the world!!!!
It was just me and Jack today which was nice, we went to the Boro and it was like mommy and me time. No hastle, no nothing!!!! It was great and I loved it!!!!

Ahh Fresh Air

My BFFS is comming to see me later. She is the one person who I totally love and doesnt judge me for the way I am or for what I say. Paul came home from work early and gave me a really big squeeze. And turned round and said " I know you are who you are and you have been through alot with me over these past 7+ years. I thank god I have a wonderful wife like you and I dont care what other people seem to think of you. You are one person who is misunderstood and always have bee, dont let them upset you, learn from it and move on my ickle boo". Then trotted off on his laptop and looked at the forums.

Yes I admit I have a short sharp toungue and a very short fuse. I dont care what people say about me. I am what I am and if we were all the same, well life would be very boring!!!!

offended some members

On a forum I am a member of, I seemed to have offended some members. Most of these I have never seen before. Their comments were cruel and nasty and not really called for as it was a joke. Many of my friends know I am a joker and I one did stand up at the university of Teeside which was a blast. I love body peircing and have done for a while now and I have quite a collection on my body. Many people think they are cool, some dont. We do call that piercing that seemedto offend so many a clitoris piercing. I love mine. And it is a rude word, dirty or disgusting. I think spitting and swearing are rude. I am an artist both in the body sense and the work sense. And yes if you go to a body piercer it is called that. I have heard far worse things called for that piercing and trust me, I will not print them out on here.
but still life moves on and on. And the nit pickers were at it again. Even my husband thinks they are quite sad in their own little ways. I am a mother and my children love me, so does it mean I am a bad mother. You cannot protect your children forever. What do you want for them???? to live in a bubble like the bubble boy.
Paul has applied for Cleveland Police, I hope he gets it, he would love this job and he is also another misunderstood person.

Smart Asses

Why is it, you always get one smart ass to pick you up on everything you do or say. How bloody annoying is that. Its as if they have nothing else better to do with their time. I find it happens online even more. Why??? Okay life would be sad if you could be prefect. wouldnt it??? It buggs the sodding life out of me. So people so being so annoying and find something else to do.

Feeling Better

At last I am starting to feel well human again!!!! I thought I was going to end up in A&E at one point. I am still dead angry and I cannot understand how on earth I got it and my family didnt. I feel like that series Surviviors and I was one of the lucky ones!!!!
Still at least I am not like my poor father who managed to bang his head on the garage door and split his head open and it boy was it nasty. I felt sick, but I cleaned it up for him. He even took my boys swimming my hero!!!! Still I always have been a daddys girl.