Missing MIL

I feel so low and lost today. Infact quite weepy and not myself. I lost the most amaizing person in my life, who taught me how to be me and how to be a true artist. My MIL [Pat Young]. Died from cancer a couple of years ago and I feel lost without her. Sometimes I wish I was with her and then I wouldnt feel like this anymore. I watched her die a horrible death and all I wanted to say to her was thank you and I love you. But I never got the chance to.
I think this is why I am the way I am with people. I dont mean to be, but I cannot let anyone ever get close to me again. I have a special friend I talk to online and she seems to be in the same boat as me, full of sadness and trying so hard to find that happiness again, that she once felt.
I say what I think and to be honest I have got past the point of caring.
I was badly bullied as a child, work hasnt been an easy ride and I love my husband so much, sometimes I feel like he doesnt love me back. Yes I am deffensive and can be offensive towards people. I do see when people are clearly having a go. SO why should I sit back, like I used to. I used to think that this was normal so I let it all happen to me. I am fragile, I have mental health problems and sadly yes they do cloud my judement of other people. But most of the time I am friendly, outgoing and trying so hard to be normal in an abnormal world. It isnt the Trueman Show which I am sure many people think it is or a soap. Hence I dont watch soaps. Take me as I am a person or just dont talk to me and move on.
Some friendships are never meant to be. I have learnt this the hard way. Hence the barriers go up and I go on the attack. I wish people would stop pretending they know me when they dont that annoys the hell out of me. So let me live my life and if I make a mistake leave it. Dont publish the fact on the world wide Web for all to see, that causes more harm than good. It makes a person want to top themselves. Okay not maybe everyone, but people who have mental conditions. So think and I will think also. Thank you and have a jolly nice day.