Feeling back to my old self.

After yesterdays debarcle, I started today like a new clean sheet. I decided to call my CPN who is great and told her the story. And how other people reacted. She was disgusted by these people and said she would come and see me tomorrow. She mentioned you could have them for slander. I wish I knew how, but I dont :((. Still it is nice to have a support like that. I have been with her for 10 years and she knows me really well. She has been my rock and we have ended up good friends.
It hard to explain to people that you have problems with your mental health and I have since the age of 17. So I have had to live with it for a very long time and some days are better than others. I have really bad mood swings, I can go from uber happy to uber manic and I dont have any control over it. The medication partly helps, but I am learing to cope with it even more. As I a get older I have been told I will get worse not better. Which scares me. I have fab doctors, who listen to me and help me as much as they can. See if you tell people you have mental health problems they look at you as some sort of freak show and that really bugs me. I am a normal person I live a normal a life as possible. I have a family and a home that I am really proud of and they are my support network. And I wouldnt swop them for the world!!!!
It was just me and Jack today which was nice, we went to the Boro and it was like mommy and me time. No hastle, no nothing!!!! It was great and I loved it!!!!

Ahh Fresh Air

My BFFS is comming to see me later. She is the one person who I totally love and doesnt judge me for the way I am or for what I say. Paul came home from work early and gave me a really big squeeze. And turned round and said " I know you are who you are and you have been through alot with me over these past 7+ years. I thank god I have a wonderful wife like you and I dont care what other people seem to think of you. You are one person who is misunderstood and always have bee, dont let them upset you, learn from it and move on my ickle boo". Then trotted off on his laptop and looked at the forums.

Yes I admit I have a short sharp toungue and a very short fuse. I dont care what people say about me. I am what I am and if we were all the same, well life would be very boring!!!!

offended some members

On a forum I am a member of, I seemed to have offended some members. Most of these I have never seen before. Their comments were cruel and nasty and not really called for as it was a joke. Many of my friends know I am a joker and I one did stand up at the university of Teeside which was a blast. I love body peircing and have done for a while now and I have quite a collection on my body. Many people think they are cool, some dont. We do call that piercing that seemedto offend so many a clitoris piercing. I love mine. And it is a rude word, dirty or disgusting. I think spitting and swearing are rude. I am an artist both in the body sense and the work sense. And yes if you go to a body piercer it is called that. I have heard far worse things called for that piercing and trust me, I will not print them out on here.
but still life moves on and on. And the nit pickers were at it again. Even my husband thinks they are quite sad in their own little ways. I am a mother and my children love me, so does it mean I am a bad mother. You cannot protect your children forever. What do you want for them???? to live in a bubble like the bubble boy.
Paul has applied for Cleveland Police, I hope he gets it, he would love this job and he is also another misunderstood person.

Smart Asses

Why is it, you always get one smart ass to pick you up on everything you do or say. How bloody annoying is that. Its as if they have nothing else better to do with their time. I find it happens online even more. Why??? Okay life would be sad if you could be prefect. wouldnt it??? It buggs the sodding life out of me. So people so being so annoying and find something else to do.

Feeling Better

At last I am starting to feel well human again!!!! I thought I was going to end up in A&E at one point. I am still dead angry and I cannot understand how on earth I got it and my family didnt. I feel like that series Surviviors and I was one of the lucky ones!!!!
Still at least I am not like my poor father who managed to bang his head on the garage door and split his head open and it boy was it nasty. I felt sick, but I cleaned it up for him. He even took my boys swimming my hero!!!! Still I always have been a daddys girl.

SWINE FLU HAS HIT US!!!!!!!

Oh why oh why on earth does it have to be bloody me!!!!!! I it all started on Thursday and we had a lovely day out to Newcastle. I felt a tad dodgy getting the kids ready, but I thought a promise is a promise so carried on regardless. Paul took us to the train station and we got a connection from Darlington. On the X-cross country I started to feel a tad sick a bit green round the gulls shall we say. But I am like that on trains anyway so I just ignored it.

Got to Newcastle, started to feel a tad hot and lightheaded, but I just thought it was a nice day and I tend to sweat a lot anyway. Took the kids the the Hancock which is fab and free had a wanders round there took some pics for the scrapbook. I loved the displays as they were interactive and I couldnt get Jack off some of them. We bought some gifts to take home with us and then we decided to do a bit of shopping as the boys needed things for their holidays.

I didnt really have much lacklustre at this point, but I knew I had to get the stuff. Well we went into Primark, dont ask me why I went it there as I have fair trade issues and ethical issues with this shop. Plus the fact it was like a cattle market, I just wanted to get in and out as fast as I could. Of course Connor loves this shop as it is cheap and I did tell him it was cheap crap as well!!!!! We got our goods and by this point my head had started to ache.

We got outside and breathed the sweet, not so sweet air of Newcastle. We then decided it was getting nearer to Lunch and I had agreed to pizza hut, by this point I wanted to be sick. So wandered into TK Maxx and got a 12x12 for £2 and then found this craft shop opposite that smelt well damp, still would not be rude not to buy anything and spent a measliy £6.00.

We went to pizza hut which was a trek!!!! By the time we got there I had decided yes I would like something to eat and drink. So I did, big mistake!!!! I ran to the loos and chucked up!!! So I stuck to fluids from then on.

We found this fab comic book shop and I was in heaven, got all my cute amie stuff I was looking for and chatted to the owner who was lovely [still kick myself for not buying the cupcake tee shirt!!!]. We went to our last place to visit of the day the Discovery Muesum, I totally loved this place, it was so interesting, it had so much history about the Newcastle upon Tyne region in it and the displays were great. I could have spent all day in there, but I was dying by this point and really wanted to get home. I was just so glad that it was only a short walk to the station and then we got straight on to a train.

I could have cried, I did when I saw Paul, I felt so out of it.So I retired to bed.

friday the fun starts, I didnt sleep, I was confused, feeling sick, tummy ache, temp, crying all the time, the cough I didnt know were on earth that had come from and the buzzing sound inside my brain. I came down stairs in hysterics claiming Jack had given me swine flu and why is he stig of the dump??? As he had been coughing all week. This of course got Paul in a bad mood and started shouting at me telling me to calm down. But all I could do was shout, cry, gasp for breath and cough. So he put me front of the PC and told me to go to the website. About 30 seconds later I was given a reference number to give to paul to get my tamiflu.

I must admit as a healthcare professional I do not agree to self diagnosis as it might be nothing. And what the goverment has done is wrong. It could wipe out the countries stocks of Tamiflu. Plus you may get calous people pretending they have it to get it to sell on the black market. SO please do not abuse this. I have asthma and heart problems and we called my GP later who reassured my that I have done the right thing, as I am classed as at risk.

I have only just started to feel my normal self and it is Monday now. I still feel dizzy and heavy headed and the odd ache and pain. I want to sleep but I am fighting it all the way. It isnt a nice thing to have had and I cannot describe it as too many things happened at once. But I am now eating a better and healther diet. So please dont abuse it.. Look after your body as you only get one!!!!!!!!

Windy Wednesday

Well its nice and windy today, we have stayed at home, but when you are trying to prove that live on a budget to the kids, is well a pretty damn high mountain to climb and a steep and dangerous learning curve. I do feel sorry for them, but we are going on holiday soon, so its not as if they are not going anywhere. I have promised on my life I will take them out for a day tomorrow. Weather permitting that is!!!! But there are plenty of things to do inside shame they cost a lot of money to get into!!!!! But Paul is going to help out yet again. I just cannot wait for my job to start in September. I feel so lucky to get a new job, considering it is so damn hard to get one!!!! But I will keep this one.

Morning peeps

Well yupp I am back to the 5 am waking yet again!!!!! I think it is all due to stress and anxiety at the momet. I even had my Mp3 on at 4 am this morning listening to Stevie Nicks!!!! I love that gal her voice is great and I am glad she is back with Fleetwood Mac.
today I have tons to do with very little funds. I have to take stuff back, trade games in and try not to lose my temper with the kids. Or kid should I say. Jack is starting to feel a lot better sinceI thought he had swine flu!!!! As mums do think that. But after much explaining, that I dont commence work untill september it has finially kicked in. I might take them out for the day to York on Thursday. But that is if they can behave!!!!! I hate moody kids and it makes me go on a downer as well. but hey thats life!!

School holidays are here, were can I hide!!!!

Well the school holidays are here at last. But the problem is not with my Youngest Jack, it is with the eldest Connor. All he does is moan, wants money spending on him and entertaining. He doesnt seem capable of doing it himself. I am sad to say this but he acts like an uber spoilt baby. I am sick to death of telling him that his dad will be out of work in September. It seems to go in one ear and out the other. And it is starting to grind me down. I want to give him a good shake and tell him to get a grip!!!!!
But I love them both so much, I dont want to. I feel like I want to run away and hide for the 6 weeks. I take my hats off to those teachers they must have nerves of steel. Jack just seems to accept this brothers behaveiour and gets on with life. They are two totally different people, Jack is laid back and well erm scruffy!!! Connor has to have the best and is fragile.
I wish the school holidays wernt so long. when we were kids we had to entertain ourselves and be quiet, now all they want is well erm everything!!!! I aint no millionaire and I fed up of explaining this to them.
Everything is so expensive, and you have to plan in advance so you can save up for it. I hate parents who get themselves into debt to keep little Davey happy. No should mean no!!!!! It has taken me a long time to think like this and yes I am guilty of this in the past. But its belt tightening time. One parent working and looks like one parent not working, its going to be hard, but we will do it, even if I have to shop in charity shops and look for bargains.

Wet Saturday

Well its another wet day here, and I feel as flat as a pancake!!!! I hate miserable weather, it sucks the life out of you and I dont know why!!!!!

We took Connor out for a meal after much fighting and arguing. We went to the Talpore which does amaizing meals and boy was it packed. But then he decided since he was 13 he wanted an adults meal, I wasnt to bothered, but Paul kept telling him to pick two courses of the kids menu. So a massive strop started. But of course me being the peacemaker and being calm all the time. I talked Paul round to letting him have an adults meal but no sweet. Poor Jack just sat there and kept quiet!!!

But we still had a lovely meal, Paul didnt eat as he had something earlier, but we had a good time and enjoyed it.

My dad took Connor swimming, since the camping trip was off!! But he accepted that as well. But would you want to go in thrashing rain and gale force winds??? I know I wouldnt.

I am still waking up at 5 am every single morning. I have so much on my mind. I just want everyone around me to be happy and to be the old family we used to be. I want Paul to find a new job and soon!!! As time is starting to run out for him. I wouldnt even mind if he had to work away as so many people do this now. I would even move to another area and I have told him this many a time.

But what do I know!!!! I saw a couple outside the pub yesterday kissing and cuddling and I said to paul "we used to be like that". But he didnt answer me. Were have those days gone. I love being cuddled and kissed, it makes me feel safe and warm. Bye for now

Connors birthday

well Connor is now the age of 13!!!!! Do I duck and run for cover>> It cant be worse than the terrible twos can it??? All I know is when I was a teenager I was the quiet one, always in her room listening to music and writing love stories. My mum found some of these a while ago and boy did we have a good chuckle. I have always had a creative mind so it seems!!!!!!

Lost my Mojo!!!!

I dont believe it, how on earth could this happen to me!!!! I have lost my mojo!!!!! I know its in there somewhere!!!! I have so much to do, but I dont have a clue or I cannot be bothered to do it!!!! Still its Jacks sports day, his last one before he goes up to secondary school!!!!! I dont know why but I hate sports days. They are not like what they were when we were kids!!!!!! Parents are far to much egging the kids on to do better. FFS let kids be kids I say!!!! You wouldnt like it if you were at work and someone was constantly on at you!!!!!
My eldest is 13 on friday, I cannot believe it, I can remember carrying him and not being able to put my shoes on or my trousers on without Pauls help!!!! Still what do you expect when your first child is nearly 10lbs!!!! And yupp I have the marks to prove it!!!! I still treat them like my babies and I know I shouldnt. But they are part of my life and I love them to bits!!!!
We are going to visit my mum and dad at Masham at the steam rally this weekend.I so love going there, so interesting and the ale isnt bad neither!!!!!! I just hope we have fab weather instead of this hit and miss weather all the time!!! Still it is way better than last year!!!!
I worry all the time about Paul and how from September he wont have a job. God bless America not!!!!! It was a British owned company and then the americans took over, instead of shutting the least profitable plant down, they shut the most profitable plant down!!!!!! work that one out if you can.
See the chemical Industry used to be thriving around here, if you got in ICI you had a job for life, but sadly it wasnt to be, ICI pulled out of Billingham and then the industry seemed to go into a steady decline, which it is still doing to this very day.
What with Wilton closing two plants, and other places around the area going. Many people are starting to wonder if they will be next!!!!!
I cry all the time, as it has affected people I love and know and some may even lose their homes. We are kinda lucky as we are okay. I have got a nice job to go to in September and I am not going to give in this time!!!! Plus I have gained 3 extra hours. So I am hoping I can contribute to the home a bit more. I will have to get used to the fact that I will have to buy the food!!!!! Which I dont mind. Even if I do moan untill Paul gives me the money!!!!! Which is wrong of me!!! So sorry baby!!!!

Yay finally up and Running!!!!!!

Yupp I have finally done it, I have set my own blog page up!!!! It may take a while to get it up and Running, but its here!!! Eventually I will take pictures and show some of my work. But be kind lol!!!!!